Hidden mommy anger

 I am going to be very transparent for a few minutes but I feel the need to share and maybe it will help someone else feel like they are not alone.

I have anger. Seriously, for those who know me you may be scratching your heads thinking you have never seen this side of me before, but it is true. I'm going to name it hidden mom anger. Before I became a parent, I felt like I was a very patient person and now that I have a 2 1/2 year old and a 10 month old, I am beginning to realize I am not patient at all.

Somedays it can be the smallest thing that sets me off, or other days it is a build up of multiple instances. I first began to notice the short temper when I was pregnant with Christopher and it didn't go away. Lately, I have been really trying hard to control my temper and be patient with my children and husband. For some reason I can control it when around other people, but at home I cannot. Have you ever watched "Mom's Night Out"? At the beginning she says this:

"I'm like the Bruce Banner of stay-at-home moms. He doesn't want to turn into the Hulk. It just happens. Which is exactly how I feel. I love my kids. I love my husband. My minivan, my minivan is awesome. I have this incredible life. So, why do I feel this way?"

I definitely feel that way, more than I would like to admit. I love my family, so how can I get so mad at a tiny human who I created? 

I am going to make a list of 4 things I have been learning lately (among many others):

1. I am in control of my emotions. No one else has control over my emotions and cannot completely help me with how I feel. I need to take charge and find calming activities that help lower stress and enjoy the moments. We as moms need to recharge and fill our buckets too, seek God's wisdom and finding a relaxing activity.

2. My mood sets the tone of the house. Recently I have been so mad at myself for being mad. I am slowly working on it and I realized that my mood sets the tone for the whole house. When I am upset and have no patience, the rest of my family is the same way. The times when I am happy and stress free, I notice everyone else is having a good day as well. I was not aware that my mood was affecting everyone until I made a change. A dad may be the head of the household, but a mom definitely can set the tone.

3. My worst traits. In school we always learned about nature vs. nurture and I believed both were factors in everyone's lives. Until I had children, I really did not see the total scale of this debate. There are many things my daughter has picked up, she is very observant and will copy everything, for better or for worse. Lately, I have noticed she has been acting a certain way and I realize that she has learned it from me or inherited from me. Either way, it is not fun seeing a 2 year old with some of your worst traits.

4. Kids can make the worst situation, better. There are times when I cannot understand how someone can make me mad and smile all in the same few minutes. I learn something from watching my children every day, seriously if we all just watched children all day we could learn many things. Recently, my children have taught me to appreciate the little things. Elizabeth will thank me for the smallest things and be genuinely appreciative of it. For example when I put batteries in her toys she will say thanks for fixing her toy and even days later she will remember it and thank me again. It is the sweetest. I do have to laugh though because she will get so upset if she spills something or knocks it over, so I tell her calmly "it is okay, it happens." Well now when something happens she will say "it happens" even if it was totally on purpose, which can help my mood too. She was helping me make waffles one day and I had her pour the butter in but she tipped the bowl too early and spilled butter all over the counter and down the cupboard door. I at first was upset but then she comes up to me while I am cleaning it up and says "it happens."

I say all of that to say this, you are not alone. Parenting is hard, life is hard. I am a real person and get angry too, I am not saying it is okay to get so mad but it can happen to everyone. I am admitting this to the whole cyber world and being very vulnerable but I want to be transparent and real. I love my children and they are the sweetest, I want to always find the good in each moment and make it an opportunity instead of being annoyed.

It helps to be honest, especially with close friends, significant other, etc. in order to heal and usually you will find comfort in someone else who may be struggling with the same things or just to have accountability. We all are learning everyday to be better people and better parents, take each day as it comes and enjoy each stage of your child's life. Of course, prayer is always a wise decision in everyday life.